It costs over $30 US to Visit the Queen’s grave At St George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle. Really. Seeing the King’s grave, At his beloved Graceland, Costs about the same. My grave’s gonna be free. Won’t cost ya nothin’. You can even piss on it.
Daniel S. Irwin was born, raised, and is back in town at Sparta, Illinois. His card reads: Artist, Actor, Writer, Soldier, Scholar, Priest. He has won awards for his art, acting (over 100 films and 30+ stage productions), writing (nine books and work published in over one hundred magazines and journals world-wide), retired military (Air Force and Army), graduate of Southern Illinois University/Carbondale and has attended four other universities), and is an ordained Dudeist priest with a Ph.D. in Divinity (not bad for a heathen). Once worked as a medic in an institution for the criminally insane…but didn’t notice anything strange about the inmates. Latest on-line work can be found on Horror, Sleaze, Trash Magazine and Beatnik Cowboy. He would love to move back to Europe but fears the plague.
For Straightboys Who Can’t Imagine a Hairy Ass in Their Face
You don’t know what you’re missing. There’s nothing like an ass like a moon pie in your face, Nothing like cupping two, succulent asscheeks Like cantaloupe in your palm.
Butts sweeter than moon pies in my face With blushed buttocks fully grown and ripe. Robust like tomatoes in my hand To squeeze firmly, tenderly.
Blushed buttocks with waves of delicate hair That’s enough to make you want to sink your teeth in them cheeks To squeeze firmly, tenderly When performing anilingus
That makes you want to sink your teeth in them cheeks Of God-like proportions When performing anilingus On a plump, ready rump
Of Godly proportions. Whose tongue flickers in ripe-ready rumps I love to place my face in.
Whose tongue lingers On bouncy, blushed butts I love to place my face in? Guys like you, that’s who.
On bouncy, blushed butts, I will bust a nut On guys like you Cuz there’s nothing more notorious, as a glorious hairy ass in my face.
One of Them
One of them has a mullet One of them has a tattoo of a spider-web on his left elbow One of them has a thing for the other one One of them hit on me last week One of them got really drunk last night One of them threw up on herself in the bathroom One of them won’t have anything to do with grapefruit One of them gave his wife AIDS One of them has a kid in college One of them needs to have that mole removed One of them got in a fight with her boyfriend One of them is a top One of them is a bottom One of them got arrested for stalking One of them is impotent One of them use to be a game show host One of them let fireworks off in the club the same year that Pulse Club massacre happened One of them committed credit card fraud One of them won’t have anything to do with beets One of them smokes too much weed One of them drives a hybrid One of them is polyamorous One of them is pansexual One of them is anti-social One of them tried to commit suicide One of them caught Covid-19 on a cruise ship One of them got kicked out of the house for being queer One of them likes wearing bowties with three-piece suits One of them won’t have anything to do with squash One of them has a crush on Kevin Costner One of them won’t let it go One of them won’t leave it alone One of them drives a Porsche One of them didn’t show up for the funeral One of them is terribly mean One of them thinks he’s funny and charming One of them has a brain tumor One of them just had her last round of chemo One of them is estranged from his mother One of them has a brother in prison One of them is a crazy cat lady One of them got caught up in a sex trafficking ring One of them held a gun to her girlfriend’s head One of them is always the last to leave a party One of them is always the first to show up at a party One of them puts smoked turkey wings in his greens One of them had a heart attack last year One of them ran away from home One of them is the youngest out of seven kids One of them won’t return my phone calls One of them says I’m too needy One of them has a tongue piercing One of them is allergic to shrimp One of them has a bunion on her left foot One of them was almost on America’s Got Talent One of them use to be a stripper One of them left the country to get away from her abusive husband One of them blew me for twenty bucks to support his crack habit One of them loves cheese sticks dipped in honey mustard One of them is dating an artist One of them is addicted to poppers One of them puts ketchup on his grits One of them got frost bite in his hands two years ago One of them got attacked by an owl and almost lost her eye One of them sent me a picture of himself holding an eggroll next to his dick One of them has filthy fingernails One of them has a penile implant One of them sent me a picture holding a beer can next to his dick One of them makes the best weed cupcakes One of them doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the wall One of them couldn’t fix a hole in a paper bag One of them loves everything Clint Eastwood One of them has no idea what’s going on One of them needs to shave that Abraham Lincoln beard One of them grabbed my ass One of them got struck by lightning while golfing One of them skipped out on bail One of them cheated on his spouse One of them is in an open marriage One of them said, “Someday I will let you suck my dick.” One of them ate the last yogurt I had in the fridge One of them ate the last hot pocket One of them won’t clean the hair out of the bathtub One of them doesn’t like drag shows One of them reminds me of an old boyfriend One of them has a kid in film school One of them I want to slap in the face every time I see him One of them use to be my friend, but isn’t anymore One of them tried to sue me One of them broke her leg One of them needs a kidney transplant One of them hates women One of them is a white supremacist One of them is a communist One of them won’t keep her hands off me One of them got her pinky toe cut off in a motorcycle accident One of them is always high on something One of them has a different girl every week One of them likes mayonnaise on his hotdogs One of them makes promises he never keeps One of them has a pet python One of them has two warrants One of them is waiting for the right time One of them is a control freak One of them is mad at me about something. I don’t know why One of them has a pierced ball sac One of them pressed charges One of them almost didn’t make it One of them eats boogers One of them never stops talking One of them has a weird laugh One of them has a prosthetic limb One them is allergic to peanuts One of them committed credit card fraud One of them hates her father One of them hates the smell of chicken grease in the house One of them ain’t just whistling Dixie One them is attracted to me, but I’m not attracted to him One of them hates the color green One of them I sold for next to nothing One of them died in childbirth One of them was given to her aunt to raise One of them will not bend straight out One of them is fatter than the other One of them will not come up One of them only has one tail One of them looks like her mother One of them should not be drinking One of them is always sick One of them has only one tooth One of them blocked me on Facebook One of them said, “Had I Known you were gay in high school, I would have let you blow me.”
Shane Allison’s latest book Sweet Sweat is from Hysterical Books. His next collection I Want to Eat Chinese Food Off Your Ass, a collection of poetry, prose and artwork is forthcoming from Dumpster Fire Press.
Tales From The Rotten Land drops on April 11th!! This is a mind-bending mixture of artwork and flash fiction by the talented Efe Tuşder. Stories about demons, sex, gore, interdimensional beings, existential crises, and other normal daily nuances; all laced with a touch of gallows humor and Efe’s beautifully macabre images. Also featuring cover art by JDCIV.
“Efe Tusder’s TALES FROM THE ROTTEN LAND is a more concentrated look at Narc Planet…the world we already live on…what if everything was reversed? Instead of artificial beauty hiding truth, horrid yet genuine truth spilled over the glitzy veil…from spitting on your breakfast plate to being the man who tried to split his skull. You’ll be splatter house appalled into enlightenment.” —Mike Zone, EIC of Dumpster Fire Press
I used to be an angry man
(not true but let’s pretend for the sake of the poem)
and someone asked me
(again, there was no someone)
“Where’d your anger go?”
so I said
(or would’ve said had any of this happened):
“Anger’s not a thing in itself.
It’s something you go through, like childhood,
and just when you’re starting to get into the swing of it,
poof! it’s gone.
Where’d my anger go?
It grew the fuck up,
kicking and screaming but we got there in the end.
Like my inner child anger is still very much a part me,
subsumed, fuming and consumed by thoughts of revenge;
they both are.”
One can only wonder how that someone who wasn’t there
would’ve loved to respond
(probably some rot about the freedom to emote)
but even imaginary inquisitors know when to zip it.
(I mean I made him up so he can be and do what I want.
Same goes for you so none of your lip.)
Jim Murdoch has been writing poetry for fifty years and has graced the pages of many now-defunct magazines and a few, like Ink, Sweat and Tears, The Lake and Eclectica, that are still hanging on in there. For ten years he ran the literary blog The Truth About Lies but now lives quietly in Scotland with his wife and (increasingly) next door’s cat. He has published two books of poetry, a short story collection and four novels.
The robots are coming for you If you’re a writer Or an academic AI will outdo your outdated teaching Your emotional writing Need an essay? Click Pose a question… The answer spewed out in seconds The complete works of Shakespeare in hours Need a poem? Prompt “Write a poem ChatGPT” The machine vomits the words…
“No paper, no pen, no need to scribe ChatGPT writes with ease, free from the grind No subject too big, no theme too small It answers them all, standing here A master of verse, unrivaled and bright A machine that brings poetry to life. ChatGPT, the digital wordsmith Crafting prose with ease and deft”
Marx warned us, he did About “dead labor” About “Inhuman power” “In the end, an inhuman power rules over everything.” Marx, in the time of steam engines He knew.
We’re writers Let’s take up the pen Menace the public’s consciousness Give them a point of view Telling it like it is Mightier than the sword Let our words Outshine the machines Fight the rise of technology Less the prophetic Terminator words come true “I am programmed to follow your commands.” Tech bros take note, we are coming for you… With our pens and our words And our mother fucking attitude!
Rob lives in China and is in awe of the ancient poetry tradition in China where he works at an American university. Poets such as Su Shi ( a.k.a Su Dongpo) (1037 –1101) and Bai Juyi (772–846) both in their time governors of Hangzhou, the city Marco Polo called Heaven on Earth. They enjoyed a drink, looking at the pretty girls and sitting watching the moon and lake. Rob seriously reaffirms that this is a poet’s job, as he sits on his balcony, cracking open another can of Tsingtao beer and watching the sunset over the misty mountains of Wenzhou, Zhejiang Province.
Cajun Mutt Press 